Surely, there is a thin line between love and hate but oftentimes, there is someone standing on that line. In some instances, a ‘friend’ becomes the new lover, but this violates an important rule of friendship, ‘never date your friend’s ex’. RITA OKONOBOH and VICTOR OGUNYINKA sought people’s views on how effective this sacred code has been. Their responses:
Yvette was in a dilemma as she heard the words, “Will you marry me?” This was supposed to be the best moment of her life. Ironically, it was different. She held back tears as she looked at the beautiful diamond ring and the smile in her lover’s eyes, filled with promises of a beautiful future. Of all the people in the world, it had to be her best friend’s ex who asked her to marry him. Dating him in the first place was a cardinal offence that defied the code of friendship.
‘It’s a small world after all’. So many people have found themselves in this predicament as Yvette. Do they deserve to be happy with the people their hearts long for or should they sacrifice their joy for some invisible code that declares they are not meant to be? Sunday Tribune spoke with Nigerians on the subject and of course, people had a whole lot to say.
True love should be given a chance
Cyril Uwem, an engineer based in South Africa cast his vote for happiness. “Why not? Isn’t she human? Listen, if everybody rejects all the exes, trust me, everybody would be single forever. That’s because, at some point, almost everybody was somebody’s ex. On the average, I can marry my friend’s ex as long as I am certain that she is the love of my life.”
Depends on the strength of the relationship
For Samuel Iyopi, a medical practitioner, “Certain risks are involved when dating a friend’s ex. In any case, whether it is okay or not to date a friend’s ex depends on the situation and strength of the relationships of the people involved,” he said, while maintaining a humpty-dumpty position on the matter.
Questions you should ask yourself
“Just as every friendship and relationship is different, some people are evidently closer than others,” Kennedy Abba, a geologist, pointed out. “Good friendships have been lost or made awkward in situations like this. Marrying your friend’s ex will most likely affect your relationship with that friend. In this case, evaluate this friendship. How close are you to this friend? Do you see the person in your life in days ahead? If yes, consider it very risky and this will affect you of course. Is the ex worth sacrificing or losing a good friend? If strong feelings are felt, the pros outweigh the cons because as humans we are not masters of our emotions. It’s fine if you ask permission from the friend especially if the person is a close friend. Your friend might agree but may not be telling you the truth. When asking, pay close attention to your friend’s expressions, actions and responses. From these, you should be able to decipher whether or not they are telling you the truth. It’s worse when you keep it secret. Be honest and explain your feelings and intentions. Make sure enough time has passed since your friend and his ex broke up to avoid unresolved issues and lingering feelings. Give them time to heal from the broken relationship.
As tricky as this is, if you ask me a second time, my answer to this is a ‘big no’. Good friends are hard to find and so, I can’t marry my friend’s ex. Both my friend and his ex should remain my friends.”
The sure path to eventual divorce
However, Adenike Adepoju, a business owner, expressed concerns regarding such a union. “Marrying an ex is not really an issue but marrying a friend’s ex is a bit of a problem. There is no way she won’t meddle into your affairs, trying to make you see the bad side of the person and relationship while continuously putting ideas in one’s head by making references to the reasons why she dumped him. In her bout of jealousy, especially if the union is successful, she may even go as far as describing him in bed and end up ruining the marriage. So, I can’t date my friend’s ex.”
It can cost someone his/her life
For Bidemi Olopade, an entrepreneur, it is not a very good idea. “No, I can’t do that. You know, feelings rarely fade and if you go into such a union and they run into each other, old feelings can re-awaken. Now, imagine my friend (my husband’s ex), comes to visit me and meets only my supposed husband at home? It is better imagined. Even if we relocate elsewhere, I don’t think it is worth the risk. Besides, if feelings still exist between them, they can connive to eliminate me. We’ve seen that happen in movies.”
Tokunbo Akadiri, an engineer also added, “It is a tough call. Honestly, I don’t think I can. It is a different ball game if I never knew they had a relationship. There’s no way they would break up and the memories would not linger. Feelings are always strong. Another thing is that the lady might not be very comfortable with my hanging out with my friend (her ex). To now think that a lady would come between my friend and I, I’d rather walk away,”
Bunmi Balogun, a microbiologist also added that “It depends on how close the friend is and the cause of the break up. Whichever way, in order to play safe, I wouldn’t go into such. In such case, any little thing that transpires, one reads meanings and suspicion sets in. That alone can destroy the marriage because trust would be long gone from the union.”
As Shakespeare puts it, “The course of true love never did run smooth”. Whatever one decides to do, sincerity, attention to non-verbal communication on both sides, and avoidance of complications are vital.
Culled from Nigeria Films
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